I can still taste the Jagermeister. Yuck!
Now that I've gotten the only negative out of the way I figure I'll write about some of the awesome things I did this past weekend while in the Hamptons -- the setting for one of the best movies of all time -- and the setting for my friend Steve's bachelor party. Thanks for agreeing to get married, Steve, and congratulations for inviting me. Or.. is it the other way around? :-) Also, many thanks to Steve's friend Doug for opening his house to us drunken slobs.
Anyway, what a great weekend. It began with me waking up at 5 am in order to meet my friend Dan, who was driving, and hit the road. On the way we picked up my other friend Jay, and set off driving to the ferry in New London, Connecticut. We were shooting for the 8 am boat, and arrived half-an-hour early and were able to squeeze onto the 7:30 ferry at the very last minute. A pleasant surprise for us, anyway.. but not so much for Steve.
Once landing in Orient Point, NY (at the far eastern tip of Long Island) it was only about a 45 minute drive to Doug's place in Hampton Bays. So.. we pull into the drive way just short of 10 am and give Steve a call. He'd been out drinking the night before and was not very happy. But, he and the other three guys that were there successfully rallied and we all went out for breakfast.
After eating we drove to a place where we rented jet skis (seven skis for seven guys) and took to the ocean with the help of a huge wife-beater-wearing muscle guy who turned out to be completely whipped by his stereotypically New York Italian girlfriend. But, to be honest, she scared all of us, so we aren't criticizing the guy. She was a beast. Once we got out on the water, it wasn't long before I took a bath. Falling off a jet ski is actually pretty fun.. once you get the salt water out of your lungs.
After the jet skiing we came back to Doug's place, cracked open a couple cases of beer, then sat on the beach and pier for a while, until Steve and Dan decided to go Greco Roman and see who could win a fight for dock supremacy. In case you're wondering who won, Steve is the splash you see there.
But.. it turns out Dan may have been the real loser, as one of his favorite Penn State shirts did not survive the ordeal.
After that, we got a game of wiffle ball going. It didn't last long, though. Mr. D-3 Baseball (Dan), who proclaimed himself too "thick" for his own good, cracked the wiffle ball in half.
But don't worry, we got back to him after he passed out (or if you asked him, "took a nap") on the lawn.
While Dan was finishing his nap, pizza was ordered and we got ready to hit the clubs. We went to a place called "Beach Bar," which was populated by a bunch of guys exactly like this...
No joke, either. EXACTLY like that. All with the same haircut, all obsessed with lifting weight, tanning, and picking fights. (The best source of information on this type of person I can giv eyou is the video called "My New Haircut" on YouTube. Go watch it. You won't be sorry.)
Cases in point:
1) We witnessed two "jacked and tan" guys get in a screaming match and get tossed out onto the street by two even more "jacked and tan" bouncers.
2) Doug popped his collar in a nod to the video -- and a huge middle finger to all the "My New Haircuts" in the place and was quickly called on it. A guy comes over to say "Hey, has your collar been popped all night, or did you just do that? Doug tells him he's been taking it up and down because it's just too big to wear up the whole time. And the guy, relieved, says "Oh, good! Because that chick over there told me it looked stupid, but I'm glad you're on my side and have my back." He had no clue.
And 3) Once we were outside waiting for our cab, we saw a Power Bar-eating, protein-pounding ogre yelling at his girlfriend on the phone.. all raging out. As he and his buddy walk past, Dan decides to attempt to provoke a fight (none of us remember exactly what he said in order to do that) that Steve quickly, and thankfully defused.
I can honestly say that I have never seen stereotypes lived-up to to the "T" ever before in my life. I didn't think all the guys there would be the way that video and all the rumors say they would be, but damn it, they were. It was amazing. Completely frightening and sad, but amazing. Unfortunately, there are no pictures of these kind of people. I decided, in the name of preserving something that would be expensive to replace, to leave my camera at the house for the night.
There are the highlights. Thanks for reading...
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